Author Fighters OVA: Hiccups
by Sovereign64
Summary: PhoenixOfTheDarkness gets the hiccups, which are driving her insane. Her friends Kitten Hachi-Chan, MistressOfDawn, Nukid and Lunatic121 try to cure her but only make things much more worse. ONESHOT


_**Author Fighters OVA: Hiccups**_

Somewhere in Downtown Los Angeles, MistressOfDawn, Kitten Hachi-Chan, Nukid and Lunatic 121 are waiting on a bench in a park. They are supposed to go shopping in the mall today. The four have already been waiting for 15 minutes but their fellow Author Fighter PhoenixOfTheDarkness still hasn't arrived.

"Kitten, is she coming or not?" Nukid asked.

"Of course she is! She promised!" Kitten replied.

"Maybe she doesn't want to come with us after all. Let's just go shopping without her." Loony said.

"No! She made a promise so we'll keep waiting for her!" Kitten said. Everybody else groaned.

Suddenly, they heard a 'hic'. Everybody turn their heads and see Phoenix walking over to them with a frown.

"Phoenix! You finally arrive!" Kitten said joyfully.

"Yes *hic* Kitten." Phoenix said miserably. Everybody stared at her for a moment.

"Phoenix, did you have the hiccups?" Mistress asked.

"It's no *hic* big deal *hic* Mistress." Phoenix replied. Kitten gasped.

"Oh no Phoenix, you do have them!" Kitten said. She turned to the others. "Come on guys! We can't leave our friend like this, we got to do something!"

"I told you *hic* Kitten, it's no *hic* big deal!" Pheonix protested. But Kitten grabs Phoenix by the arm and walks back to HQ with her.

"No Phoenix! We can't leave you in this state! We must help you! Come on guys, let's go!" Kitten said. Mistress, Loony and Nukid turn to eah other and sighed heavily before they reluctantly followed Kitten and Phoenix from behind.

* * *

Back at HQ, Phoenix sat on the couch while Kitten, Mistress, Nukid and Loony stood in front of her.

"Alright, guys, we need to find a cure for Phoenix's hiccups." Kitten said.

"Come on *hic* Kitten, it's really no *hic* big deal*. It will *hic* go away *hic* eventually!" Phoenix protested.

"Um…I think we are supposed to cure the hiccups by drinking some water." Nukid suggested. Kitten clapped her hands and grinned.

"See! We're making progress already!" Kitten then hurriedly ran off to the kitchen. Moments later, Kitten returned with a glass of water, handing it to Phoenix. Phoenix sighed as she takes the glass of water, leaned her head back and quickly gulped down the glass of water. There was a moment of silence.

"Did it work?" Mistress asked. Phoenix was about to say yes, but suddenly gave another hiccup. Everybody sighed.

"Okay, what else are we supposed to do?" Kitten asked.

"How about holding your breath?" Loony suggested.

"Good idea! Try that Phoenix!" Kitten smiled.

Phoenix then took a deep breath and held it. The others watched anxiously as she held her breath. A few seconds later, Phoenix's face turns red. She finally lets it out and took deep lungfulls of air.

"I *hic* don't think so." Phoenix said.

"Don't worry Phoenix! Hang in there! Mistress, go to the kitchen and give her another glass of water while I go to the Internet for cures!" Kitten then ran off to the computer while Mistress ran off to fetch a glass of water. Upon returning, Mistress handed the glass of water to Phoenix.

"Try drinking from the far side of the glass," Nukid suggested.

"How *hic* am I supposed to do that?" Phoenix said.

"You have to bend over while you're doing it," Nukid said.

"You mean *hic* like thi-" Phoenix was interrupted as the glass of water spilled all over her face when she bent over. Nukid burst into laughter, and Phoenix glared at her.

"Oh come on, you should have seen that coming a mile away!" Nukid laughed.

"Funny you should *hic* mention that, because you seem not to see a beating coming at you just a few *hic* feet away…" Phoenix growled.

"Quiet you guys, I'm trying to look up a cure for Phoenix!" Kitten said from the computer.

"Kitten *hic* please, just *hic* forget it!" Phoenix said. Kitten turned around and gave her a serious look.

"Phoenix, do you like the hiccups?" she asked.

"Of course *hic* not! They're *hic* irritating as *hic* hell!" Phoenix responded.

"Well we're going to help you. We will not let a friend suffer!" Kitten said, "Now be quiet and listen. According to Doctor Wik E. Pedia, a hiccup is a spasmodic contraction of the diaphragm. The rush of air into the lungs causes the epiglottis to close, creating the 'hic' sound."

"What *hic* does that mean?" Phoenix said, starting to get frustrated both by the hiccups and her friend's attempts to cure her.

"I dunno," Kitten replied, "But according to this, medical treatments include sedative drugs that render you unconscious, intranasal vinegar, which I assume means pouring vinegar down your nose, and digital rectal massages. Do those sound good?"

"No, no, and *hic* _hell_ no!" Phoenix said, "I'm not doing any of those things*hic*!"

"Okay, I guess I can look up some home remedies then, just give me a minute to Google it…" Kitten said. There was silence for a minute, the only sound being Phoenix's hiccups.

"So Phoenix, how long have you had those?" Loony asked.

"About *hic* forty-five minutes," Phoenix answered.

"Wow, that's a long time!" Mistress said, "The longest I've ever had them was like, ten minutes!"

"Hey!" Kitten suddenly exclaimed.

"You found something?" Nukid asked.

"Yeah! There's this guy in Australia who's had the hiccups for thirty years! They even have an interview with him, watch!"

"_*HIC* Please… *HIC* kill…*HIC* me…"_

"Well would you look at that! Don't funny things happen in this world?" Kitten said in amazement.

"Kit*hic*ten!!!" Phoenix said, now highly distressed.

"Don't worry, we'll find a cure for you! Here's a list of remedies that are supposed to work: anise seed, vinegar, baking soda, chamomile oil, camphor, honey, lemon, salt, red pepper, sugar, pineapple juice, and cream of tartar! The HQ have almost all of those things! Just a minute, let me go get them!" Kitten ran off to the kitchen.

The next several minutes, they heard thuds, clunks, and bangs as Kitten apparently retrieved the various ingredients. She ran out minutes later with two separate containers.

"Okay, so here's how it's going to work," she said, "I mixed together the dry ingredients in one cup and the liquid ingredients in the other. The different ingredients are supposed to be used in different ways, but when mixed together, they'll probably be even better than usual! First, I want you to stick your tongue out and breathe through your mouth until your tongue is dry. Then I'm going to put the dry ingredients on your tongue, and then I'll pour in the liquid ingredients. Keep them there for a moment before swallowing."

Phoenix was getting tired, but she complied nevertheless, sticking out her tongue to dry out. When it was dry, Kitten put the dry ingredients on. Phoenix nearly gagged, particularly as some of the ingredients were spicy or otherwise unpleasant. Then, Kitten poured the liquid mixture into her mouth.

Almost as soon as she did so, a foamy fizz erupted from Phoenix's mouth. Everyone present screamed and jumped back.

"Kitten! You gave her rabies!" Nukid shrieked.

"No, it must be the baking soda and vinegar! When you mix them, they…oh wow!" Mistress exclaimed. Phoenix was trying to spit out all of the foam, gasping for breath. When the foaming had finally stopped, they all were quiet for a moment. The silence, was interrupted when Phoenix hiccupped again, causing everyone to groan.

"Maybe we should just stop trying," Nukid said.

"No," Phoenix said, followed by another hiccup.

"But you were the one who said to just let it run its course in the first place!"

"I *hic* know!" Phoenix said, "But I'm *hic* so sick of these hiccups! I'll do *hic* anything to stop them!"

Loony's face suddenly lit up.

"Anything?" Loony smirked.

"Yes, *hic* anything!" Phoenix said.

"Well, I heard a kiss can cure the hiccups."

"Shut *hic* up." Phoenix growled.

"But I thought you say you will do _anything._"

"Yes, but a *hic* kiss?! That's the most *hic* ridiculous thing ever!"

"Phoenix, I'm starting to think you _do _want to keep the hiccups." Kitten said with a frown.

"NO!" Phoenix yelled.

"Then let's do it Phoenix! Maybe Loony's suggestiong can cure you!"

Phoenix groaned and closes her eyes. "Alright *hic* Loony. This better work or I'll *hic* kill you for this."

"I'm not lying, it will work!" Loony said, running over to Phoenix.

The others watched as Loony leaned in and kissed Phoenix. Phoenix pulled away moments later, spitting and cursing.

"Did you have to throw your tongue in?" she growled.

"It's part of the technique. Besides, it worked, didn't it?" Loony said triumphantly.

"Hey, you're right! Phoenix isn't hiccupping anymore!" Kitten said, "It did work!"

"Well…I guess you were right," Phoenix grudgingly admitted, "I suppose I should say than- *hic*"

All eyes turned back to Loony. Phoenix was shaking in rage.

"Um, I forgot to mention that my technique is only a temporary solution and won't last more than a few sec-"

"You're *hic* dead you damned pervert!" Phoenix roared. "BOOT TO THE HEAD!!!"

**POW! BAM! WHAM! SMACK! POW! BAM! CRACK! WHACK! WHAM!**

Phoenix didn't stop beating the crap out of Loony until she was too out of breath to continue. She sat down in a chair, breathing heavily and still hiccupping. Loony rose up, a goofy smile on his face.

"So now what?" Mistress asked, "We've tried everything!"

"We haven't tried scaring her," Nukid suggested.

"Good idea!" Mistress said, "Phoenix, did you hear the story about the headless bank manager? He waits until you run out of money, and then, when you go to the bank at night to make a withdrawal…he gets you!"

"You're not *hic* going to scare me with something so *hic* lame!" Phoenix said.

"Yeah I guess you're ri- OH MY GOD THERE'S A BIG MONSTER BEHIND YOU!" Loony said.

"Yeah…you're not *hic* helping," Phoenix grumbled.

"Um…boo?" Nukid said. Phoenix merely shook her head at this. They were quiet for a moment, when Kitten suddenly jumped up excitedly.

"Ooh! I know!" she exclaimed, "Phoenix, if you hiccup again, I'm going to slit your throat and throw your body into a furnace!"

Everybody present stared at her in shock, their mouths hanging open. Kitten smiled expectantly at them.

"So are you scared yet?" she asked innocently. Everyone was completely quiet, too shocked to say a word. Phoenix opened her mouth as if she were about to speak a few times, but remained silent. The joyful look on Kitten's face faltered.

"So I didn't scare you?" she said disappointedly.

"N-no Kitten, that's not it!" Phoenix finally said, trying to reassure her friend, "You were very scary, just…not in the way we were thinking of."

"Hey!" Kitten exclaimed, suddenly brightening up again, "You didn't hiccup!" Phoenix blinked in surprise, realizing that it was true, she hadn't hiccupped since Kitten spoke.

"You…you're right! I'm not! I'm cured!" she said excitedly, "I don't have the hiccups anymore!"

"This is fantastic!" Nukid said, "Now we can go to the-*hic*" He clapped his hands over his mouth, his eyes wide in horror. Loony laughed.

"Ha! Now you've got the-*hic*" Loony stopped talking, a look of shock on his face.

"What's going *hic* on?" Mistress said, a note of panic in her voice.

"We must have *hic* caught Phoenix's *hic* hiccups!" Kitten said.

"You can't *hic* catch hiccups!" Nukid said.

"What *hic* other explanation *hic* is there?" Mistress said.

"Now we're *hic* never going to get to the mall!" Nukid wailed.

"Don't *hic* worry, guys! I'll cure *hic* all of us!" Kitten said brightly. Looks of horror crossed the faces of Nukid, Mistress and Loony. Phoenix on the other hand was laughing.

"Well, have fun! I think I'll go back to my room now!" she chuckled, "Oh, and Kitten, remember to use _all_ of the techniques you tried on me when you cure them!"

"Okie-dokie Phoenix! I'll make sure we're *hic* cured in no time!"

**THE END**


End file.
